Oh My Aching Heart

My heart aches.

My head hurts.

My eyes hurt too.

So many tears.

So much pain.

We find our self in a mess. A mess that we worked our way into.
We are lonely.
We left a blazing hot trail behind us ... hurting some dear friends along the way.
We were also hurt along the way.
Without even realizing it - our hearts grew hard & unforgiveness set in.
One choice led to another.
Now we are here.
We are working to get ourselves out of debt - which we've never had before.
11 years of marriage and no debt.
Now it seems like we'll never get out of it!
Steve is in a job for which we are thankful - but it's just not "it".

We live 1,400 miles away from family and old friends.
The people who care the most about us are too far away to call on for help.
Just the other night, Liberty was sick.
She was very sick, congested and struggling to breathe.
In that moment, I feared the worst ...
a trip to the ER in the middle of the night.
Thanks be to Jesus - she's fine now and it passed in about 12 hours.
BUT in that moment, I wondered, who would I call to help us?
First I would call my parents and sister ... but they could only pray.
Most of my friends here have their own kids.
I know I could call on a couple of them, but helping me would disrupt their home life.

I must remind myself, we willingly did this to ourselves.
We picked up 4 1/4 years ago and moved away from Colorado.
We left our families behind and set out on our own.
We've had some great times and have met some fabulous people along the way.
But now, even though we have friends and community and are VERY blessed that way - I am still incredibly lonely.
Mandy is going back to Texas for Christmas.
Casey is going to Montana for Christmas.
And us - yes, we'll be spending another Christmas alone.
No, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. ;-)

I've been on Priceline - and have found tickets for only $200!
Yes $200. But times 5 - that's $1,000.
Today, I got all the way to the payment page.
It's all I could do to not enter my credit card information.
I thought, what's another $1,000 to pay of later, right???
To be able to go home ... for just a little while.
After all, it's been over 2 years now since we've been back.

I hate the loneliness I feel.
I hate that my greatest connection moments are on this computer.
I hate that we are in this mess.

Sweet Jesus, give me peace.
Settle my heart.
Calm my emotions.
Heal the pain I feel deep in my heart.